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Imagining Your Relatives As Monkeys

We get it, entertaining the visiting relatives isn’t the most enjoyable nor profitable use of your time. But really, cut them some slack – Chinese New Year doesn’t happen every day. While you’re being anti-social by reading this on your phone, let’s take a moment to imagine your relatives as monkeys (Year of the Monkey, yes?) and see if we the ones we chose matched yours.

Just a word of warning: if you can’t suppress your uncontrollable giggling, don’t read this out in the open where everyone can see you. We won’t be held responsible for the subsequent death glares from your mother or even worse, people asking you to share what’s making you laugh so heartily.

The Gorilla / The Drunk Uncle

western-lowland-gorilla-heroHI_279168The Drunk Uncle enters the house, immediately plops himself on the nearest available seat and demands food. In fact, he eats the whole time and expects to be waited on hand and foot. He’ll ask all the kids how they’re doing in school but is impossible to impress. Later on, when the drinks go round, he’s the first to get drunk and ends up shouting incoherently the entire night. He’ll eventually leave for the toilet and when he exits, it’s an unrecognisable mess. Oh dear.

Chimpanzee / The Annoying Cousin

chimp-Craig_R_Sholley-IMG_0345Loud and obnoxious, you can’t be sure if he’s an actual monkey. He tells the most terrible jokes and can’t deliver them without cracking up even though no one else is laughing. He also curries favour from all the elders and you can’t believe how they all fall for his blatant flattery. Although you’ll realise he’s gone halfway through the night only to find him asleep in one of the bedrooms.

Capuchin / The Little Kids

white_faced_capuchin_2_wpFirst, there’s one kid, and then another, and another, and then somehow the whole house is full of kids yelling and running about. Have there always been this many kids or are you just really old now? Anything loose ends up in their hands (or even their mouths) including your mother’s favourite ornament. There’s also their petulant fits when they don’t get what they wanted to eat. It’s a great relief to see them leave.

The Proboscis Monkey / The Nosey Aunt

WPZQctHuCMSt1SoNLTRK8Q6z (1)It’s hard to stifle a groan when you see her coming in. It seems like she feeds off other people’s drama and she knows all about why the couple next door is getting a divorce. You try to keep out of her sight because once she starts, it’s like playing an endless game of 20 Questions. She needs to know your school results, whether you’re in a relationship and why you’ve put on weight. You finally head her off by telling her that they’re starting a new game of mahjong.

The Snow Monkey / The Grandmother

REU-JAPAN-1The wise and elderly matriarch. She likes to sit in a corner and watch everyone else while methodically chewing on peanuts. You’ve heard a few stories of her back in the day when she was in her fiery youth so you’re always wary of her eyes on you. The general consensus is that she cares deeply for everyone, even if she’s quiet most of the time so you suppose she’s alright. She always hands out a decent red packet each year and that’s all that matters anyway.


Bonus: Miley Cyrus as a Monkey

p5Z7Dt9As it turns out, everyone’s favourite wrecking ball, Miley Cyrus, was born in the Monkey year herself. Little wonder that she bears a strong resemblance to them.

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Izzan Haziq

I have a particular affinity for bread-based products, metal music and the minimalist aesthetic. Also, naps are great.

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