How to celebrate Valentine's Day amidst the coronavirus epidemic

Ah Valentine’s Day. Most will say that it is a day to finally spend some quality time with your significant other. They are wrong. Valentine’s Day is a battle of wits and cunning, and we all know who the winner is — capitalism.

But this year stands to have more losers than usual. The coronavirus situation has escalated to an unprecedented level, and that means that public health safety is of the highest concern at the moment.

What does this mean? It means no more hanky panky, you horny little devils!

But fret not! There are still ways to show everyone your lovey-dovey side without compromising on your health. Here are several tips to be a couple during the coronavirus epidemic.

Holding hands

The act of gripping another person’s hand is the cornerstone of any relationship; it basically confirms your relationship status to the world. Unfortunately, the hand is one of the most dangerous parts of the body right now, at high risk of being exposed to the virus from surfaces outside.

Your best friend in this situation? Gloves. But don’t be using those plastic ones, we gotta be conscious of the environment after all. Instead here are two other alternatives:

Surgical gloves

The surgical glove. Cheap, safe and not to mention it has shades of kink.

Winter gloves

Winter gloves are great if you want to colour-coordinate. Preferably to be worn in air-conditioned places of course.

Kissing

Kissing is another feature of the couple dynamic. But alas! Mixing your mouth liquids may not be such a great idea in the face of a virus that can transmit through those means.

It’s unfortunate, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. As such, you need a conduit if you want to french it up. Now’s the time to go back to being a child, break out your Barbies and your Ken’s and start role-playing. Who knows, this practice might help in the bed.

If you really need to have physical contact, then I’m afraid you’re gonna have to get your hands dirty. And by that I mean I mean through arts and crafts.

Collect your government-issued surgical mask
Grab your best red colouring pencils — Faber Castell is recommended
Draw the sexiest lips you can where your mouth should be
Repeat the process with your partner’s mask

And there you have it. Coronavirus-proof kissing masks. Not to mention government-approved as well.

Netflix and chill

it’s the thing every couple wants. To quote a line off of a song from Pitbull’s seminal album Rebelution: “I know you want me (want me), I know you want cha (want cha)”

Well too bad, it’s not gonna happen this year. Fornication is simply too much of a risk, especially when condoms are now in high demand due to the exploits of kiasu Singaporeans.

I’m afraid this is a year of abstinence for Valentine’s Day. So to prevent both of you from getting too hot-blooded, here are some shows to watch to keep you being good boys and girls.