There’s never a boring day in pop music. Spoil yourself on the advancements these pop stars will be making in their career within the next 5 years, as told by our real legit $9.90 crystal ball! This is the totally accurate, 100% true first edition of News From 2020.
Beyoncé
We don’t mention Her name anymore ever since she ascended into Heaven in an elevator 2 years ago in The Sécond Coming.
Jay Z
Staged The Sécond Coming and sold it on TIDAL (now RIPPLE) as an IMAX visual album. Was last photographed in Malibu next to Becky With The Good Hair (née Ora). Currently facing a total of 16 lawsuits from Solange Knowles.
Justin Bieber
Retired from music completely in 2019 after gradually realising that his true calling lay in zoology and maintaining parks and recreational sites.
https://twitter.com/JBCrewdotcom/status/729812504847749120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
Fifth Harmony
Merged in 2019 with Little Mix and the surprisingly-robust J-Pop group AKB48. The posse of nearly 60 girls now travel in a pack of 10 limousines and when onstage, take turns singing half a chorus each, amounting to a full concert every night.
Camila Cabello left in 2017 to start her solo career, only to quickly run back into the refuge of a girl group with 4 Instagram models who now double as her lip-syncing backup dancers. The band now perform under the name Pussycat Dolls Pt. 2.
Azealia Banks
Burned at a stake, both because she loved embodying a witch and annoying the hell out of everyone in the industry.
Imagine if the worst, meanest troll on Reddit also coincidentally made some good songs. That is Azealia Banks
— Jason Lipshutz (@jasonlipshutz) May 11, 2016
The timber was lit by Skai Jackson.
@AZEALIABANKS When a no hip having 14 year old has more class than you. Worry about your career. Get one. ✌?
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
Lana Del Rey
Who?
Lorde
Her third album saw her undergo a complete image revamp, showing a preference for pink and yellow costumes with sunflower motifs. The singles will all sound the same, inspired mostly by the first 40 seconds of “Team” and its repetitive melody.
Lorde is set to fully transition into her new role as bubblegum pop queen. Her hair is now bright green and she smiles on red carpets.
Nicki Minaj
Was the main influence for Lorde’s makeover. Photos of her holding a shovel in a forested L.A. area at night were quickly forgotten once her wedding pictures hit Hollywood Life.
U were abused my nigga? Look @ what you’ve become. Gods wrath is no joke. You will regret every lie u said about me.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) May 11, 2016
In other news, Safaree Samuels hasn’t been seen out in public since.
Jennifer Lopez
Just released her 35th album, where she will revealed in the liner notes that “Jennifer Lopez” is actually a biotech and robotics experiment involving Jennifer Lynn Lopez and 3 robot bodies. This will explain why she never ages.
Madonna
This is awkward.
Rihanna
Retired from music after “ANTI” in favour of deals and collaboration with big-name fashion brands. Owns all the runways in the world. Also Chris Brown.
Adele
Her Royal Highness is now reigning Queen of England. Her first royal decree as Monarch was to ban Donald Trump from the entire Commonwealth.
She resides in complete privacy with her 21 dachshunds, grooming her son Angelo for his eventual pop debut, which will see him reclaim the rightful title of “the male Adele” from Sam Smith.
Sam Smith
Still in hiding from his embarrassing gaffe at the 2016 Oscars. Owner of 3 restraining orders from Her Majesty The Queen Adele Adkins after he repeatedly harassed her to collaborate on a track.
Hey @SamSmithWorld, if you have no idea who I am, it may be time to stop texting my fiancé. Here’s a start: https://t.co/8hGTRtIaMK
— Dustin Lance Black (@DLanceBlack) February 29, 2016
Lady Gaga
Makes it a point to scream “I WAS ROBBED BY SAM SMITH AT THE 2016 OSCARS” in every award acceptance speech. Retired from music in 2017 and is now editor-in-chief of American and British Vogue after paying off Anna Wintour.
Katy Perry
Widely despised by the industry for hiring every single dancer in the world and causing a shortage of tour dancers globally. Recently set the world record for Most Singles Released From An Album, with 29 singles released from her 2019 3-track EP “I Used To Sing Gospel”.
Taylor Swift
Charged for hitting Katy Perry on the head with a Grammy at the 2018 Met Gala while assisted by Selena Gomez. Sues The Recording Academy for presenting her with an award that was not solid enough to draw blood. Also sues the Met for rolling out red carpets that were plush enough to cushion Katy’s fall.
Years of passive-aggression and office infighting finally bore fruit earlier this year when Instagram bought itself out of Facebook’s control, reverting to its pre-2016 design and logo. All this was made possible by CEO of Instagram (and VP of Programming, Disney Channel), Ms. Selena Gomez.
More News from 2020 coming soon. Tell us what you want to know in the comments below!
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