It’s 2:30PM. The Singapore sun is its usual unforgiving self, keeping everyone indoors, when your best friend drops you a text on Telegram:
“Pre10shus Café at Keong Saik @ 3:30pm y/n?“
You pause the Blogilates video you’ve been (binge-)watching as you consider this offer. You know your last Instagram update was a shocking “20h” ago, and really, your relationship with your bestie is based on a mutual understanding to always “Like” each other’s Instagrams (for added support).
“I’ve run out of #throwback selfies so ya ok. See u.“
Remember those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books that were all the rage when we were kids? Welcome to DANamic.ORG’s 21st century version, complete with polling results to find out what others chose. With the right decisions, you could walk out from your trip to a hipster café with your finances still somewhat intact – but one wrong move could keep you at home watching reruns on Toggle for an entire week in a bid to recoup your losses! So, will you survive a hipster café?
1) Clothes Maketh The (Wo)man
It takes about half an hour to get there so you have less than 30 minutes to get ready. It’s a blazing 35 degrees outside today but the hip new Pre10shus Café has this giant blue industrial-chic wall that literally everyone takes an #ootd with. It’s style vs substance (the substance here being sweat, of course) as you make your fashion decision for the day.
2) No Outside Food Allowed
It’s 3:40PM. Your ex-best friend is late… as usual. Because the hippest of the hip cafés are often shophouses in old estates, shade is hard to find unless you’re planning on blocking the entire walkway. You’re sitting on the kerb between parked cars, trying to enjoy the llao llao you picked up earlier, sweating like mad even in your casual wear (your neighbour laughed out loud when she saw your ridiculous prom garb – prompting you to gostan and reconsider your option). Your friend shows up (finally) with some lame excuse and a Venti mocha frappe in one hand. Your Sanum is melting under the heat. At the door of Pre10shus Café, an obviously overworked teenager brusquely asks if you would mind having a table “out in the alfresco”. Your reply is somewhere between “No thank you” and “You siao ah?”. The stressed waitress mumbles something about “strictly no outside food allowed”. You both look down at the unfinished frozen yoghurt and sugary coffee in your hands.
3) “Would you like to hear our specials?”
Yoghurt and coffee disposed of, you’re finally sated. The same teenager hands you both menus (a roughly-cut clipboard with a single sheet of yellowing paper) before flying off to fetch a minuscule Nutella tart from the busy counter. She quickly returns holding a clear carafe with no less than four limes bobbing about inside, rotely announcing that the “sparkling artisanal organic spring water” could be refilled at no extra cost. She stares at the both of you, pen and notepad in hand, even though you’ve only been seated for all of 15 seconds. With a teeny bit of apprehension (you only brought $40), you peer down at the thin wooden slab…
You realise that your short list is a beverage menu. Looking up, your best friend holds out the list of entrées. You swap menus while doing your best to avoid eye contact with the eager waitress, who is still eyeing you both with obvious impatience.
4) “Must square it ah!”
The food’s here. You’ve been ripped off. At least it looks pretty. Now if you didn’t take a picture of your food, did you really eat it? If it doesn’t exist on the Internet, IT DOESN’T EXIST. Thankfully, your friend understands the importance of this (not like some other friends who dig in immediately… so shocking). You’re aiming for about 100 likes today so this better be good.
5) Desert, Dessert… No difference in Singapore You’re broke, but your best friend isn’t. It’s better to enjoy now before financial damage control begins – you’re looking at one week of staying at home. Desert/Dessert time!!!
So… you’re done! Congratulations, you survived a hipster café (more or less). That one pic you posted is blowing up, so hopefully that keeps you entertained while you spend the week at home. Bonus points if you caught all the references hidden in the menu.
Here’s a word from our sponsor: Rate your experience at Pre10shus Café in the comments below so we can help serve you better!