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QUIZ: Can You Survive A Hipster Café?

It’s 2:30PM. The Singapore sun is its usual unforgiving self, keeping everyone indoors, when your best friend drops you a text on Telegram:

Pre10shus Café at Keong Saik @ 3:30pm y/n?

You pause the Blogilates video you’ve been (binge-)watching as you consider this offer. You know your last Instagram update was a shocking “20h” ago, and really, your relationship with your bestie is based on a mutual understanding to always “Like” each other’s Instagrams (for added support).

I’ve run out of #throwback selfies so ya ok. See u.


Remember those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books that were all the rage when we were kids? Welcome to DANamic.ORG’s 21st century version, complete with polling results to find out what others chose. With the right decisions, you could walk out from your trip to a hipster café with your finances still somewhat intact – but one wrong move could keep you at home watching reruns on Toggle for an entire week in a bid to recoup your losses! So, will you survive a hipster café?


1) Clothes Maketh The (Wo)man

It takes about half an hour to get there so you have less than 30 minutes to get ready. It’s a blazing 35 degrees outside today but the hip new Pre10shus Café has this giant blue industrial-chic wall that literally everyone takes an #ootd with. It’s style vs substance (the substance here being sweat, of course) as you make your fashion decision for the day.

How will you dress your fabulous self?

Lapsup 3S: Singlet, Shorts, Slippers
Lapsup Plus: Tee-shirt, Jeans, Shoes
Prom: Evening Gown/Rented Tux, Diamond Necklace/Cufflinks, Chihuahua in arms/Monocle

Poll Maker

2) No Outside Food Allowed

It’s 3:40PM. Your ex-best friend is late… as usual. Because the hippest of the hip cafés are often shophouses in old estates, shade is hard to find unless you’re planning on blocking the entire walkway. You’re sitting on the kerb between parked cars, trying to enjoy the llao llao you picked up earlier, sweating like mad even in your casual wear (your neighbour laughed out loud when she saw your ridiculous prom garb – prompting you to gostan and reconsider your option). Your friend shows up (finally) with some lame excuse and a Venti mocha frappe in one hand. Your Sanum is melting under the heat. At the door of Pre10shus Café, an obviously overworked teenager brusquely asks if you would mind having a table “out in the alfresco”. Your reply is somewhere between “No thank you” and “You siao ah?”. The stressed waitress mumbles something about “strictly no outside food allowed”. You both look down at the unfinished frozen yoghurt and sugary coffee in your hands.

What will you do?

lain lain go away come again ehnader day: Give up and go to the nearest mall
I NEED THAT INSTAGRAM SHOT: Throw away your llao llao/Starbucks

Quiz Maker

3) “Would you like to hear our specials?” 

Yoghurt and coffee disposed of, you’re finally sated. The same teenager hands you both menus (a roughly-cut clipboard with a single sheet of yellowing paper) before flying off to fetch a minuscule Nutella tart from the busy counter. She quickly returns holding a clear carafe with no less than four limes bobbing about inside, rotely announcing that the “sparkling artisanal organic spring water” could be refilled at no extra cost. She stares at the both of you, pen and notepad in hand, even though you’ve only been seated for all of 15 seconds. With a teeny bit of apprehension (you only brought $40), you peer down at the thin wooden slab…

What will you have?

Refined cocoa and summer malt brew, served on the rocks (Also available with rock sugar) – 7.5
Non-GMO slow-roasted instant java mix with Peruvian cane sugar (WWF-approved) – 9
Iced tea imported from England (certified “Fabulous 2007”) – 8

Poll Maker

You realise that your short list is a beverage menu. Looking up, your best friend holds out the list of entrées. You swap menus while doing your best to avoid eye contact with the eager waitress, who is still eyeing you both with obvious impatience.

What will you really have?

Clockwise-stir-fried turnip burrito enveloped in wholegrain wheat flour crepe, served with truffle-infused shoestring fries spritzed with low-sodium, low-tide sea salt – 18
Salad – 28.5
Hand-toasted rye bread with choice of artisanal coconut jam smear, churned fresh full-cream milk, or special above-ground peanut paste – 16.5
Egg noodles with savoury ground pork, sliced fish, and braised shiitake mushrooms, garnished with fresh shallots and fried minced garlic – 24

Quiz Maker

4) “Must square it ah!” 

The food’s here. You’ve been ripped off. At least it looks pretty. Now if you didn’t take a picture of your food, did you really eat it? If it doesn’t exist on the Internet, IT DOESN’T EXIST. Thankfully, your friend understands the importance of this (not like some other friends who dig in immediately… so shocking). You’re aiming for about 100 likes today so this better be good.

Which angle are you going for?

The bird’s eye view: Requires a bit of effort, a large table, and side lighting (78 likes)
The standard: Your plate in the foreground, your friend’s plate in the back. Plus a bit of your friend taking a shot too. (65 likes)
The ladyironchef: Upload a self-indulgent 15-second Instavideo of your seemingly endless feast. A bit difficult considering how there are only two of you. (121 likes + annoying “bojio” comments)

Quiz Maker

5) Desert, Dessert… No difference in Singapore You’re broke, but your best friend isn’t. It’s better to enjoy now before financial damage control begins – you’re looking at one week of staying at home. Desert/Dessert time!!!

How will you kick off your financial ruin?

Humanely-shaved ice drizzled with artificially-coloured sugar syrup, atop organic attap seed and carpet grass jelly – 6.5
Faux vegetarian mooncake with mock yolk and baby coconut powder (Only available on full moons) – 11
Ice cream served on choice of bread or crackers, prepared by a nice old uncle in shorts – 1.2

polling

So… you’re done! Congratulations, you survived a hipster café (more or less). That one pic you posted is blowing up, so hopefully that keeps you entertained while you spend the week at home. Bonus points if you caught all the references hidden in the menu.

Here’s a word from our sponsor: Rate your experience at Pre10shus Café in the comments below so we can help serve you better!

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Jovi Ho

I'm passionate about pop music (trashy/regular), anything with an artistic slant, and garlicky chicken rice chilli. I also bake for sanity's sake.

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